Worry...Why Do I Let Myself Worry?

This was a facebook status of mine from last night. 

I am a worrier.  No matter how much "older and wiser" I get, I still manage to work myself into a frenzy of worry.  I am not a daily worrier, but occasionally things pop up that have me fretting. I have a history of worrying about the worst possible outcome of a situation.  My imagination gets the best of me and I prepare myself for the worst, always.  I let it consume me and it's awful.  And 99% of the time, I have worried over nothing!

I am also one of those people that never wants to hurt anyone's feelings or to leave anyone out.  I want everyone to be happy, if I can help it.  So when that occasion happens when things go slightly awry, I am always certain I am to blame.  Sigh.....I am a bit of a freak, right? 

I realize there are things I can't control and I need to let go and let things happen.  I can only do my best to do the right thing whenever possible. But, I do make mistakes.  I sometimes do or say the wrong things.  And it festers inside of me. 

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today of its strength."  

I got this from a co-worker several years ago.  What a great quote and if only I could abide by it....maybe a good new year's resolution?

Is It Over Already?

Ahhh.  The holidays.  A month long + of decorating, preparing, shopping, wrapping, entertaining, party-going, cooking, baking, eating, drinking, laughing, maybe some crying...And then...it's over??  After my week long of hustling and bustling a week ago, this last week found me on pretty much cruise control.  And it felt good. 

For the first time since I have lived out here, we took the kids to Candy Cane Lane to see the lights on Christmas Eve.  I have absolutely no idea why we have never done that before.  After watching the Cowboys lose, we needed to get out of our funk....we drove to Starbucks and headed to Cat City.  All I can say is that we will now be making that a new tradition.  So incredibly cool and beautiful what that street looks like.  We picked up a pizza afterwards and came home and watched "It's A Wonderful Life."  Love this movie.  Have you ever stopped to think about what your friends and family's lives would be like if you were never born?  

Christmas morning and day were great.  I was shocked that the girls slept til 8:30.  We opened gifts, had breakfast....and it was nice and quiet.  No TV.  No music.  Just quiet and relaxing.  Later, Craig's dad and brother and my aunt and uncle came over for one amazing prime rib dinner.  Delish.  

Today, we did not brave the stores for any shopping or exchanging.  Instead, we hung around here and did some cleaning and organizing in the garage.  This time of year, I love being able to do my half-yearly cleanout, so that we can begin the new year nice and light and somewhat organized!  I looked around and halfway debated cleaning up and putting away the decorations.  Rylee convinced me not to.  And really, I am not ready for that, either.  I need a few more days.  We celebrate this time of year, not so much in the religious sense, but for the beauty of the season and being with friends and family and giving to and remembering others.  We put up our tree and we light our menorah.  Tonight, Rylee and I laid on the couch with all the lights off, except for the tree, and just took it in.  Just the quiet and the beauty of the tree.  If just for a few minutes, it was just lovely.  I need just a few more days of this and then I can move on...I'm just not ready for it to be over quite yet!

Nursing school update:  I got my clinical assignment this week and found out I will be doing my first rotation at Eisenhower.  Ordered my textbooks and am about as giddy as can be!! 

Learned From the Best

Not sure what happened this week.  It's all a bit of a blur.  But, in the end, I worked my part-time job, teachers gifts got made and delivered, a final was taken, shopping was done, errands were run, a lot of food was made and parties were had.  And in the midst of it all, I might have had a minor breakdown for about 15 minutes.  But, mostly...it was all good. 

And I'm not done.  There's still this week.  More goodies to bake/make.  A few last minute things, no doubt.  Luckily, I have "Happy New Year" cards to send out...those can wait, right?  (I planned it that way...I'm smart like that sometimes).  Looking forward to making latkes later this week...always my favorite.  :)

I have a problem.  Make that two. I am one of the most indecisive people around and I have this need for perfection.  Just when I start to let go of these issues, I find myself right back in the thick of it.  When I shop for people, I stress over trying to find just the right thing.  Random gift exchanges are one thing (and between me, Craig and the girls, we had 7 of them!), but when shopping for a specific someone...really difficult for me.  I spend way too much time fretting over all this...so unnecessary, and I know it.  This goes back to my previous post about the stress of the holidays. Each year I keep saying I will simplify.  It never works.

We had Craig's staff over here on Friday night.  I do love to entertain and we just don't do it often enough.  I don't really stress when I am entertaining as long as I am nice and organized.  Everything was beautiful. And delicious.  I'm not sure why I didn't take a picture of my table, but picture lots of candles, gold and silver, the most perfect beef tenderloin, shrimp, grilled veggies, cocktail meatballs and a variety of dips and cheeses.  (Thanks to the chef at the Citrus for preparing the tenderloin for us and cooking to PERFECTION).  It was a great night....lots of fun, laughter and meeting new people.  Craig works with a great bunch!  

I have to say, I do learn from the best.  My mom was not only a great hostess, but amazing in the kitchen.  At a fairly young age, my parents often entertained and always did it right.  And my mom always made it seem effortless.  Everything was always classy and elegant.  Thanks mom, for passing this down!  Along the same lines, I am grateful for all that my parents exposed me and my sisters to...good food/restaurants, the ballet, the theater, etc... I feel so lucky to have been exposed to all that growing up and feel good passing that down to my own daughters. 

Yesterday found me, yet again, prepping for the next party..Rylee's cheer party, which was tonight.  Up til 1:00 am getting their craft project ready...super cute flip flops with strips of colored fabric (their team colors) tied on them.  If it wasn't so late and I could easily figure it out, I'd post a picture.  Party = success.  They are a great group of kids and I am lucky to be "team mom" to them for the 4th year now.  

Also, earlier this week, I had my first nursing school orientation.  This was for all the instructions of getting cleared to do clinical work at the hospitals.  Yikes...lots of red tape, for sure.  "Start now" they say...physicals, background checks, drug tests, titers/vaccinations.  All required and takes time.  Anyway, I look around the room for someone I recognize in my earlier classes.  No one.  Hoping I find someone to connect with soon!

Off to dreamland and ready for another week ahead.  Sweet dreams.

Bring on the New Week

Accomplished so much this week.  Marking lots off the endless "to do" list.  And I'm feeling good.  :)  Ready for the new week which involves work, studying for and taking a final on Wednesday, hosting Craig's staff party over here on Friday and planning and having Rylee's cheer team party on Sunday.  Bring it on...I am ready.  

Earlier this week I had my first meeting with the nursing program counselor.  It was a get-to-know you sort of meeting.  She wanted me to know that she is the "go to" person for anything...academic or personal.  And also to forewarn me that I may not see the same results of my efforts in school that I have previously been seeing.  Nursing school is a whole different ballgame.  Yikes.  OK then...thanks for the warning.  Bring that on, too.  I am ready.  (at least if I sound confident, maybe I will be, right??)

Last night, we had dinner with friends at La Quinta Resort.  If you are local and you haven't been over there this season, check it out.  One of my favorite holiday movies, "It's a Wonderful Life" was written by Frank Capra.  He wrote it there at the hotel.  As you drive into the entrance of the hotel, they have these wonderful lights strung from the trees across the drive and there is a sign that says, "You are now in Bedford Falls."  So very cute.  They also had the movie playing outdoors.  And the tree was beautiful.  La Quinta Resort is one of my very favorite places.  

Time to check Tivo to see when the next showing of "It's a Wonderful Life" is. 

It's The Most Wonderful Time of Year...

I've been a little out of sorts lately.  My computer seemed to have a virus (after trying to download a "free" livestream of a Cowboys game....word of caution...DON'T DO IT!).  Seems to be ok for the most part now, but last Sunday, it threw me for a loop.  I had major amounts of things to do that required my computer and I had nothing.  Not to mention that the Cowboys ended up losing that game anyway.  Also, I seem to have been writing like crazy.  Just coming off of writing my life story in summary on this blog, I wrote a six page paper on violence in children's t.v. programming, another "autobiography" for my psych class and now working on another essay for a grant I am applying for.  A little worn/burnt out, just a bit. 

When thinking about what my next blog post would be about, I was planning to write about how this is not the most wonderful time of year for me.  I know it's tough for many people in some way or another.  It's not a depressing or lonely time for me.  When I walked into Macy's before Thanksgiving (how 'bout early November), I instantly felt anxiety with all the Christmas decorations out and the gift sets, etc. all displayed.  This time of year always makes me anxious.  What to buy for who?  How much money do we have to spend?  Planning parties.  Sending out cards.  It's all a little overwhelming sometimes. There seems to be a lot of pressure; or maybe I put too much pressure on myself.  I try to start early.  The year we moved to Oklahoma, I had everything done before Thanksgiving (since we moved Thanksgiving weekend).  I did all my shopping online before we left.  I addressed cards in the car.  It was a beautiful thing.

Anyway, today I had a bit of an epiphany.  I went hiking with a friend.  First time I've been up Bump & Grind in six weeks.  And boy have I been feeling it.  Getting out and getting some exercise and talking with him and he just saying very simple but sensible things to me, seemed to make all the difference in the world.  I love to be able to give and be together with friends.  I love the beauty of the season.  That is what's important to focus on.

On the schedule for next week:  One final, two parties (that I am planning/having) and a grant application and essay due and hoping I can get some teacher gifts done up (geez...school's out a week from tomorrow!)...yep, I am a little overwhelmed.  But, I'm making my list (and checking it twice.)   And breathing.  Wine helps, too. I am determined to enjoy every minute of this beautiful time of year. 

Tomorrow's another day...looking forward to marking more stuff off the list.  Happy Friday!

Happy?

The other night in my Psych class our professor posed a question:  How do you assess your level of happiness?  I had just written the other day about how the last two years of my life had been some of the happiest, yet, I sat there and thought...hmm...I didn't know quite how to answer the question.

We all know the adage, "Money doesn't buy happiness."  But, I think we all agree we get some degree of happiness from buying that little something, right?  But, really...is it the latest iPhone or that super cute pair of shoes that will bring us happiness?  (Maybe, just a little, right?)

So, my professor went on to discuss some elements in our lives that we can enhance that contribute to our level of happiness.  I thought it was worthy of passing on.

Positive Emotion:  This is easy...something in your life that brings you pleasure.  Something that you can anticipate and savor and be able to repeat it.  For me, I have lots of things that I find pleasure in...that I look forward to.  For one...it's my bed.  Often, I find myself thinking about how I can't wait to get home and crawl into it.  I love my bed.  

Engagement:  Being immersed in whatever it is you are going.  A hobby?  A class?

Relationships:  Having enjoyable and supportive interactions with others.

Meaning:  Serving something greater than yourself!

Achievement/Accomplishment:  Completing our goals and following our core values.

If we can enhance and focus on each of these areas of our life, it helps raise the happy factor!

I have learned a few things about myself in the last couple of years.  First, I find that I am more keenly aware of how fulfilled I get from helping someone out.  Whether it be from something I am physically doing for them or from saying something to them to make them feel better about themselves or their situation.  Second, I have learned that the thought I once had that I could be a stay at home mom and not work or do something outside the house is not true.  Each time I have finished a class or two each semester, I find myself a little depressed.  I love being immersed and focused on something that challenges me.   And let me tell you...I have been challenged with this whole back to school thing.  I need to have this in my life.  When KDI called me back to work, the timing was perfect.  I had been looking for jobs all along and finally I had the opportunity to work part-time, take a class and do the mom and wife thing...The perfect balance.  

So, now my house is. a. mess.  Need to clean.  Want to finish decorating.  And I have a paper to write.  Rylee has her first cheer competition of the season tomorrow.  Lots and lots to do.  

Happy Friday!