This week...make that the last two weeks...all I have I wanted to do is cry. One would think I was PMSing, but nope, I wasn't. That feeling like you are about to sneeze...you can feel that tickle, you can feel it coming, but then you just don't sneeze. That's how all of last week was for me...I could feel myself on the brink, about to burst into tears, but each time, I sucked it up. Pulled myself together. Didn't let myself breakdown.
So what was getting to me? Besides school and the pressure of perfecting all these skills and getting the hang of all of it? When I think about it rationally, I know that I should not be freaking out, but I am. I know in time, it will all come. But, the doubts are still there. About twice during class, I have thought, "WTF am I doing here? I can't possibly do this." I quickly dismiss this thought, though. I know I can do this and I am going to love it. I have an amazing support system at school and we are all helping each other get through this!
Craig's dad had surgery last week. There's stress and worry about that and the waiting of the results of the biopsy. One of my kids was accused along with another cheerleader of "bullying" other kids at school. For real? She's 60 pounds soaking wet and looks and sounds like she's 6! Yep, she's really scary and threatening. Still waiting to see what the recourse is for this...waiting to see if there will be an apology or what...because it never happened.
Over the weekend, there was more studying and having Chandler's surgery hanging over my head. Knowing that I would only be able to be with her for a very short time at the hospital because I cannot miss much of my clinical class...it made me sick. I'm her mom...I want to be there for her through it all...(I ended up being able to see her in recovery before I had to run to school. :) )
And finally it came to a head for me on Sunday. In the morning, I got a touching facebook message that made me cry. And then I watched "The Notebook" that made me cry more than a couple of times. And then there were the Grammys. Waterworks again.
On Tuesday, it was more of the same. A long, but fun day at school (it was Valentine's Day, after all), culminated with a not-so-romantic ending. I finally had it. Kinda cried like a little baby and thank goodness for some amazing friends that could relate and were there for me. Which made me want to cry more.
I thought I was over it. But, then I talked to my dad last night. I don't have to say much for him to know just what to say to me. He's my biggest cheerleader right now. I am so grateful. It made me cry again.
One big cry baby. A good cry feels good every once in awhile, but I think it's time for me to kick myself in the butt and start working out again and release some of this another way...ya think?